Family Drive You Crazy? Here are Simple Ways to Prepare for Holiday Gatherings

The last few times I’ve gotten together with my parents, my dad and I have gotten into an argument and hurt each other’s feelings about something or other.  We’ve always easily triggered one another.  We’ve gotten along pretty well over the last few years, but lately we seem to be back to some old stuff.

So as the Thanksgiving holiday approaches and I prepare to gather with my extended family, I’ve decided a few things.  First of all, I’ve decided that my family of origin (including Dad) is my greatest source of strength and support.  Now, this is a bit of a stretch for me because in the past I’ve viewed my family of origin as my greatest source of arguments, hurt feelings, and drama.  Of course, there is some truth in that.  But, today I have a choice.  I get to choose how I view my family.  Do I want to view them through the eyes of “I can’t stand you” or through the eyes of love, compassion, and understanding? Of course, I want the latter, so here are a few other things I will be reminding myself of before and during our Thanksgiving celebration:

• Take nothing personally
• Dad loves you
• Say, “Ouch!” if anyone says anything harsh
• If you notice hurt feelings of irritation, then excuse yourself and take a quiet moment to..
• Love the parts of you that hurt
• Your family (including Dad – maybe even especially Dad) wants you to be happy and successful
• Plan ahead how much time you are going to spend with extended family and your family at home
• Follow through with your plans

There’s one other thing I need to do to prepare to step into all of these powerful perspectives and I call it “Say it like it is”.  I am going to sit down at my computer and type all of the things I don’t want to think or feel about my Dad.  I’m going to allow everything to flow out of my head, through my fingers, and into the document on my computer.  I’m not going to worry about typos or making sense.  I’m just going to free-type.  I’m not going to think stuff through as I type and if any judgment comes up in the process I simply type that too.  It’s kind of like opening up the door to my inner closet of uncomfortable and undesirable thoughts and feelings.  I’m always surprised at what comes out (that was inside of me?!)  But, I know without a doubt that the more I air it out, the easier my Thanksgiving family gathering will be.

You see, we all have yucky feelings about people we love.  It comes with the territory whether you like it or not.  The more we deny the yuck, the more it piles up and the more power it has over us.  In fact, most of us, walk through life denying the yuck and storing it away in deep, dark places within.  When we get really full, then inappropriate behaviors and hurtful words spill out in the absolute worst moments turning the most important events in life to some of the most hurtful – like holiday gatherings.

So this year you have a choice.  How are you going to view your family? Take some time to make a conscious decision about which eyes you’re going to look through, what you will say and do if a tense situation comes up, and how much time you are going to invest.  If you need to, sit down at your computer and type out your “Say it like it is” thoughts and beliefs to clear your inner closet.  And then go and enjoy your holiday, your family, and yourself!

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