Self-esteem suck? 3 Simple Steps to Make it Better

How often do you say to yourself, “I should ___________” or “I should have ___________”? It’s so easy to fall into the “should” trap which is when we beat ourselves up over things we want to do in the future, or wish we had already done in the past. The trap is that feeling bad about something doesn’t actually make it any better or change your actions. It seems like feeling bad should move us into action, but is that what really happens? Time and again it’s actually the opposite that takes place. Have you ever noticed how the things you “should” yourself over are things you avoid the most?! Like, I should diet and exercise. Or I should have saved more money last year.

“Shoulds” are one of the biggest blows to our happiness and self-esteem because they are weighed down with judgment and create a narrow definition of what’s acceptable. By default, everything outside of the “shoulds” is wrong or not good enough. Frequently we “should” ourselves with things that we wouldn’t “should” on others. Or worse, we “should” ourselves with the impossible. And when we bring the “shoulds” into our relationships, they too become weighed down with criticism for ourselves and others. The “shoulds” build a wall around us, leaving a heightened sense of isolation and a decreased sense of self.

Stepping Out of the Habit
Often times we simply haven’t practiced any other way than to “should” ourselves and others. There is safety in the familiar even when it’s no longer serving you. So today I invite you to take a bold step outside of the “shoulds” and into the wide open space of the “coulds.” The “coulds” are your choices. The “coulds” allow you to let go of regretting the past and fearing the future. They bring you into the reality of choosing who and how you want to be right now in this present moment. No matter how strongly you feel or think you “should” be a certain way, you do have an endless amount of options.

Stepping Into Your Power
The Random House Unabridged Dictionary says that an option is “the power or right of choosing.” I believe that you have both the power and the right to choose the best plan of action for you based on your current values and not because anyone else says that is what you “should” do. The reverse is true as well: others have the power and right to choose the best plan of action for themselves based on their values and not because you say that is what they “should” do. The “coulds” aren’t about shirking your responsibilities or blowing people off. Instead, they are about facing your responsibilities from a new empowered perspective where you choose the next best step for you.

Committing to Change
The “could” option becomes even more powerful when you back it up with a commitment. If you recognize your options and then return to “shoulding” yourself, then you are right back behind the “shoulds” feeling dissatisfied and overwhelmed with guilt. However, if you look at your options and step into your personal power by making a commitment to yourself, then you are exercising your right and power to choose.

You’re Only Human
Now, it would be real easy to walk away from this article thinking, “Okay, I ’should’ never ’should’ on myself.” But, that too is a “should!” Thinking and saying, “I should…” is simply a part of being human. I’m not asking you to never use “should” again. But, I am asking you to notice when it comes up and make a conscious decision about how to move forward.

3 Steps to a Higher Self-Esteem
The bottom line is you can beat yourself up with the “shoulds” or you can use them as stepping-stones into the life and relationships of your design. Every time you notice a “should” come up for you:

1. Simply change it to “could.” For example, change “I should call my mom,” to “I could call my mom.”
2. Next ask yourself, “And what else could I do?” and exercise your right to choose by considering your options.
3. Finally ask yourself, “What am I willing to commit to?” and exert your personal power by making a commitment to be the kind of person you want to be.

Stand tall in your magnificent presence free from the burden of the “shoulds!”

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