What are the indicators that a relationship is doomed from the start? My list is now clearer – and longer – after today’s experience:
How about when I called him (with my number blocked) because he was 15 minutes late? OK. He was mistaken and thought our date was yet two days away.
What about when the hostess at the restaurant came and found me in the bar to tell me, now 30 minutes later, that he had called for me…from the same restaurant – but in another town? Well, now I’ve invested 45 minutes. I may as well wait a little longer. (I admit it: that, in and of itself, probably deserves some analysis.)
What about when he finally got there and spent the first 15 minutes talking about his ex-wife’s cat? Now I’ve invested an hour and there’s still no food in front of me. (Its name is Simba and it’s yellow…just in case you wondered.)
Or how about when graciously (and appropriately) he went to pick up the tab and his card wouldn’t go through? And when he tried using the ATM in the lobby? Shockingly, still no luck. What about when he called his bank, yes, while I was still sitting at the table, to see if he could figure out the problem?
If you’re still not convinced, how about this? While I was paying for our lunch and he was still on hold with the bank he said, “Do you want to go to lunch again?”
I’m thinking no.
But there is a silver lining: I walked out of the restaurant and immediately got a good friend on the phone so she could be the first to hear my newest stand-up-comic routine on my experiences as a single woman. Aaaaugh!
There’s another silver lining: While I waited that interminable hour-plus, I did a bit of note-taking in the small journal I keep in my purse. (Who knew that thing would come in so handy!?!) Here’s what I wrote:
So, I’m waiting..for a first date. He thought it was two days from now. He’s rushing here – “another 30 minutes,” he says. I’ve decided to wait vs. reschedule. Maybe I should have chosen the latter. Time will tell.
Why is it so hard to wait for things unknown? Not just dates, but other things that really, are far more important? Part of it speaks to my endless attempts to control my life – all details, all minutiae, even all people. I cannot. I know better. And today is clearly proving that point.
So the question now shifts from “why is it so hard to wait? to “am I willing?” For right now, the answer is yes.
Maybe this is an indicator of overall emotional/mental health (if I can blatantly self-diagnose in such a way): being willing to wait without grasping for control; to wait with openness and curiosity. It’s definitely healthier than the easy and well-known alternatives of frustration, anger, or anxiety.
Some days I do better than others. Today is a good day. I’m sitting in a restaurant bar, drinking a margarita on Cinco de Mayo, and waiting…for what and who, I do not know. But I’ll choose to be healthy: to let go of my need to control; to choose to forego emotions that only drag me down.
Now, the hindsight-is-20-20 reality: he wasn’t worth waiting for. But still, lesson learned (yes, again): I’m not in control. Even so, I can acknowledge and affirm that I have increasingly more capacity and desire to remain open and curious. I’m now asking myself: “Will you choose such again, Ronna, when it’s far more grave than just a lunch date?” Days like today are healthy reminders, excellent object lessons, and just a good kick in the butt. Humbling, but helpful.
Definitely the online date from hell, but I feel encouraged. The odds are slim to none that I could repeat an experience this bad, right? While I shake my head, laugh, wonder, and hope, the waiting continues – but now with a great new story, a lesson learned (yes, again), a bit of my vice-like grip on control loosened, and one less name and address in my contact list.
You must know that in any moment a decision you make can change the course of your life forever: the very next person you stand behind in line or sit next to on an airplane, the very next phone call you make or receive, the very next movie you see or book you read or page you turn could be the one single thing that causes the floodgates to open, and all the things that you’ve been waiting for to fall into place. (Anthony Robbins)
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I am passionate about being a truth-teller and inviting other women to the same. That can happen in lots of ways, but my personal favorite is through provocative conversation that invites change. I am a mother of two amazing daughters who inspire me daily to be a renegade. I write, consult, coach, train leaders, watch movies, drink red wine, and lots of other things in the mix of my busy and fulfilling life. Learn more at www.renegadeconversations.com.
